I knew I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you on that black and white screen with body parts I could barely make out. You all took me by surprise as crazy as that may sound. Four amazing life-changing surprises. At the time, I thought only of how my life was about to change and how ill-prepared I was to be a mother, again, and again, and again. You’d really think after the first or second time I would be ready. Truth is I was terrified. I wondered if God had it right and I wondered if you would wonder if God had it right. I mean what was He thinking giving me children. Surely there were better-qualified mothers out there. The kind that wrote in planners, had college degrees and had their life figured out. The kind who smiled the entire 9 months of pregnancy and looked forward to having their insides kicked while lovingly rubbing their bellies. The kind of moms who oohed and ahhed over baby clothes and had soft kind voices. I sadly fit none of those descriptions.
Surely He did not want this for me. The kind who was horrifyingly freaked out by the thought of another human inhabiting my body. The kind that was worried and still is that she’ll make the mistakes that’ll ruin four innocent lives. Yet, God meant it. Yep, I would be a mom of four.
So the years have seemingly passed you all are no longer babies and we’re now heading for blaring sign with caution puberty ahead. Once again I’m terrified and no more confident. I wonder if there is an escape puberty country accepting offering asylum for scared moms. None of the books I’ve read seem to offer enough information on how to navigate this new path. Yet as my house and hand fill up with never-ending laundry and sticky brown mess ( I rather not know what it is), My heart grows fuller. Love, experiences, and memories, that are comforting and sometimes joyful fill every crevice.
I’ve realized I’ll mess up many times. I’ve also realized I’ll never stop loving you, being in awe of you and crying over your many first accomplishments. I love you my beautiful daughters and now I’m so grateful and humbled that our heavenly Father entrusted me with your lives. Even more so now because I know that He’s right there with me and I’m not alone.
Happy Mothers Day to all the not so perfect moms like me