Dear Daughters, Your Not So perfect Mom

1D60043D-BD79-449D-ACC1-56828A50E0D9I knew I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you on that black and white screen with body parts I could barely make out. You all took me by surprise as crazy as that may sound. Four amazing life-changing surprises. At the time, I thought only of how my life was about to change and how ill-prepared I was to be a mother, again, and again, and again.  You’d really think after the first or second time I would be ready. Truth is I was terrified. I wondered if God had it right and I wondered if you would wonder if God had it right.  I mean what was He thinking giving me children. Surely there were better-qualified mothers out there. The kind that wrote in planners, had college degrees and had their life figured out.  The kind who smiled the entire 9 months of pregnancy and looked forward to having their insides kicked while lovingly rubbing their bellies.  The kind of moms who oohed and ahhed over baby clothes and had soft kind voices. I sadly fit none of those descriptions.



Surely He did not want this for me.  The kind who was horrifyingly freaked out by the thought of another human inhabiting my body. The kind that was worried and still is that she’ll make the mistakes that’ll ruin four innocent lives. Yet, God meant it. Yep, I would be a mom of four.


So the years have seemingly passed you all are no longer babies and we’re now heading for blaring sign with caution puberty ahead. Once again I’m terrified and no more confident. I wonder if there is an escape puberty country accepting offering asylum for scared moms. None of the books I’ve read seem to offer enough information on how to navigate this new path. Yet as my house and hand fill up with never-ending laundry and sticky brown mess ( I rather not know what it is), My heart grows fuller.  Love, experiences, and memories, that are comforting and sometimes joyful fill every crevice.


I’ve realized I’ll mess up many times. I’ve also realized I’ll never stop loving you, being in awe of you and crying over your many first accomplishments. I love you my beautiful daughters and now I’m so grateful and humbled that our heavenly Father entrusted me with your lives. Even more so now because I know that He’s right there with me and I’m not alone.

Happy Mothers Day to all the not so perfect moms like me


Happy New Second !


The New Year brings with it so much hope, so much optimism, and so many chances to break all your resolutions (or is that just me).  Currently stuffing my face with some really good corn bread that’s not gluten free. Oh well. Look I’m not encouraging you to break yours, but honestly I’m so over the clichés of New Year’s resolutions.



I was once told by a very wise old man (my pastor), that every second really is a chance to start fresh. So no need to wait for a New Year to make life changing decisions. Do it now.  If you’re like me ,feeling down on yourself for already breaking half of your resolutions, don’t fret a new second is coming right up. So what’s in store for 2018 you ask? You didn’t ask…?  Well , I’ll tell you anyway. I have no idea. Jesus and I are pretty close but He doesn’t tell me all His secrets. So just like you and everybody else I have to wait to experience it.


DSC_0010.jpgI hope that I will count it all joy when I go through various trials and tribulations of 2018 but I’m sure I won’t. I’ll call up my sisters and girlfriends and whine about my life, I might even blog about my misfortunes. Through it all though, broken resolutions, trials, unending laundry and 4 heads of natural hair, I’m sure He’ll (Jesus) will be right there asking what have you learn?


That brings me to my next point. Every New Year, New Month, Week, minutes, or second is an opportunity to learn from the setbacks and to set and conquer new goals. To understand that “It’s not what I don’t have that’s stopping me from being effective , its what I think I need.” (Jim Elliot)

The final point is if you’re feeling like me you already messed up your New Year’s resolutions, be comforted by the fact that there is a new second coming right up seize and remain resolute to love people and love God.


On another note… do you see this dress ( insert black girl hand clap and two snaps) ? This is one of the first evidence I received of God being with me this New Year. The original price was $ 69.99 at H&M. The way my thriftiness is set up…, ain’t no way I was  spending that. So I prayed. long story short, I went back with the hubs and was able to snatch it up for just $ 15.00 ( hands raised high above head with eyes closed.) God is so good. He even cares about my bargain shopping.DSC_0048.jpg


Happy 2018 . Make it great and just live! Also feel free to comment and let me know how you plan on making 2018 great.


Stay Planted



These days the idea of staying seems to be a mockery of my present circumstances. It really seems like Life is going nowhere fast. I’ve found myself contemplating how the phrase “I’m in my thirties” came to be. Don’t get me wrong I’ve wanted to be thirty for a long time. Thirty to me was the golden age. The age of accomplishment. The age of finally living out dreams that were dreamt in mind of an adolescent me.  I feel like I’ve toiled the soil and planted the seeds and watered…and no growing.  At least that’s how I feel. I see no leaves, no fruit, no flowers just dirt.

DSC_0570 (2)


DSC_0598 (2)

However in this place of peace I realized that there’s so much more going on under the dirt. Processes that are tedious and long but necessary in order to bloom. The rolling hills of San Miguel at Mighty Oaks reminds me that God is here in the Hills and valleys of my life. He is present in what I believe is stagnation. Yet it really is a testing of my Faith. Here overlooking these Hills I realize that sometimes “Faith lies in my willingness to stay a difficult course”. Not sure if any of you struggle with staying and waiting but if you do please feel free to share below.



Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful

I’m so excited to write my first blog. Yay me! I thought I’d feel liberated but really it’s quite terrifying. However here what I figure out. I’m always going to feel some sort of trepidation in putting out new content. It doesn’t matter if its pictures or words. The reason is that I don’t and didn’t want to judge. Also there are so many blogs out there already. I thought there wasn’t a space for me. So what made me take the plunge you ask? ( I’m certain you did).  Well I didn’t want to live fearfully anymore.  I realized that instead of trying to be unique and different I already am.

Happy Birthday

Ok so .. its not an amazing revelation but for me it was an aha moment. What I mean is God created me uniquely, loved me uniquely  and He sees beauty worth dying for in me. I mean seriously ..mind blown.  My infinite love of black and white and all shades in between compelled me to find out if there were others out there like me. Others who stay in the lines afraid to mess up or share their mess. If there are and you’re out there …know this, life is black and white but it is also colorful..Life is structured lines but zigzag and curves are so much fun. It is not perfect nor can it be photoshopped. However it is meant to be lived fully and without fear because He who loves you says “ Perfect love cast out all fears”.


Oh and about the outfit love, love, love Culottes. They totally make me as if I belong under the streets of Paris under the Pont De Bir-Hakeim gazing out at the Eiffel Tower and sipping on Parisian coffee. Truth is I’m in front of  my local public Library which has an interesting background side-eyeing the littles as the hubster plays photographer ( He did a great job btw). Someday though….



If you like dreaming with me leave a comment, if not why not I mean really..